This Valentine’s Day, let's move beyond the toxic masculinity narrative to celebrate the positive contributions of masculine men in our lives. We'll take a moment to appreciate masculinity, not as a hindrance but as a vital part of relationships and personal identity. In an era where the term "toxic masculinity" is used to critique negative behaviors, it's important to understand its origins and implications and, more crucially, to celebrate the positive attributes of masculinity.
** Trigger warning: ** If you don't identify with the traditional masculine archetype, you might not see yourself reflected in this article. While all character types contribute value to a civilized, modern society, this piece specifically celebrates traditional masculinity.
However, the content here does not aim to cast any negative light on other character types.
In researching this article, I noticed a significant lack of positive or supportive content about masculine men and boys published since 2015.
For nearly a decade, masculinity has been frequently criticized, which has had a detrimental effect on many men and boys.
This article aims to address that imbalance by celebrating masculinity in all its forms.
"The term "toxic masculinity" was unknown in the 1990s and early 2000s. But since around 2015, it has become (common) in discussions of men and gender."
Michael Flood — Professor of Sociology, Queensland University of Technology
The Origins of "toxic masculinity"
The Mythopoetic Men's Movement was a significant cultural phenomenon in the United States from the early 1980s through the 1990s, focusing on redefining masculinity through a blend of mythology, psychology, and spirituality.
This movement, spearheaded by figures like Shepherd Bliss, aimed to redefine masculinity by distinguishing between "deep" or "real" masculinity and its "toxic" counterpart.
"Toxic masculinity" was described as a set of norms that include aggression, dominance, and emotional repression, which are harmful to men and those around them.
Over time, the phrase is used to address societal issues like violence, sexism, and emotional disconnect. It's done often at the expense of recognizing the positive aspects of traditional masculinity.
As a cisgender or biological female, I can only share my perspective, and there might be a bias in my romantic partner preferences. A man who exhibits strong, protective energy can be very appealing to me. I'm not looking for just any man; I desire a partner who is physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger than me. This preference stems from a deep-seated comfort in knowing that, in a world that can feel dangerous and overwhelming, I have someone who can stand by my side, literally and figuratively. For instance, when I'm on a backcountry adventure whitewater kayaking or ice fishing, if I were to find myself in a situation where I couldn't protect myself, it's comforting to know that he would be there, capable and ready to help me.
My father was a masculine man, married to my mother for 54 years. My guy, Matt, and all my closest "ride-or-die" friends are also masculine men. These men in my life display a full spectrum of human emotions. They are always there when you need them, providing emotional support, assistance, and protection. Moreover, they demonstrate both personal integrity and professionalism in all aspects of their lives.
In case you don't know, integrity means doing the right thing. Even when no one is watching.
My masculine male love, Matt, and our friends took care of me after surgery. They showed up with homemade bread and foods they cooked at home. They comforted and reassured me before we whitewater kayaked in big, scary water. They rescued me when I swam out of my boat. And they reminded me of everything I did well that day.
Meeting Matt, a physically, mentally, and emotionally strong, masculine male on a whitewater kayaking and camping trip, led to my best relationship ever. Our shared values and adventure sports lifestyle match well with the areas in which we're very different.
I'm fortunate to live, work, and play with my best friend — Matt, in a tiny cabin in the woods. His high emotional intelligence was a great asset during the early days of the COVID lockdown when no one knew what to expect. While many others faced the early days of the COVID lockdown with social media posts reflecting a breakdown in mental health and intimate relationships, Matt and I thrived.
Critics often overlook the fact that Matt dedicates his free time to volunteering, sharing his knowledge of kayaking and fishing with children and adults from diverse backgrounds, including those from low-income households, individuals with disabilities, people of color, veterans, and seniors, regardless of gender. Instead of recognizing his contributions, they quickly label him as exhibiting "toxic masculinity," failing to appreciate the true value of his character.
Historically, when civilizations like Rome began to weaken, it was often due to a decline in military strength and civic virtue among their men. This decline made them vulnerable to external invasions and internal decay. The loss of vigor among men significantly contributed to the eventual downfall of these once-powerful societies.
"Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create (societal, economic and geopolitical) hard times."
G. Michael Hopf
However, in real life, during a CPR class we took to prepare for an adventure camp at the non-profit we co-founded, young women of color and white women were initially dismissive towards Matt. But when they realized he was with me, an Afro-Latina, their demeanor changed, and they softened. It was as if their initial judgment, "You're not just another toxic masculine man exerting white privilege, even though you haven't said anything," was silently retracted as they reassessed him through a new lens.
My heart breaks to see how masculine men and boys were shunned from society over the years. Some boys at our free adventure sports club and annual adventure camp said "I don’t feel like I belong anywhere."
“This population deserves our care and attention. (Masculine men) deserve (mental healthcare) guidelines so we can deliver effective treatment. They don’t deserve labels. In labeling traditional masculinity as harmful we begin to see traditionally masculine men as harmful. The truth that we seem loathe to admit is that we need men, and women, capable of enacting harm on others in times of war (and during other times of danger). So maybe a better place to begin is by shaming any and all toxic behavior, and not the gender in which it originates.”
Meaghan Mobbs, M.A.
The Shunning of Masculine Men and Boys
Researchers and authors have noted how traditional masculine traits have been increasingly scrutinized or outright shunned, leading to significant societal and personal consequences.
Author Richard V. Reeves, in his book "Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It," explores how modern societal shifts have left many men feeling culturally redundant or irrelevant. Reeves discusses how boys from less traditional family structures struggle more academically and behaviorally, suggesting a need for a new understanding of masculinity that does not equate strength with emotional suppression or aggression.
The Book of Men and Boys: A different view on masculinity
Reeves's book argues for a nuanced (subtle distinction) view of masculinity.
It highlights how educational and labor market changes have disproportionately impacted boys and men, leading to higher dropout rates, lower college enrollment, and challenges adapting to the service-based economy.
Reeves suggests policy changes like encouraging men into traditionally female-dominated professions and addressing the educational disparities and mental health concerns affecting boys to foster a "prosocial masculinity" more suited to modern society.
Prosocial masculinity refers to a form of masculinity that emphasizes positive, constructive behaviors and traits traditionally associated with being male, but directed towards the betterment of society and the well-being of others.
Why Many Women Prefer Dating Masculine Men
Despite the critique of traditional masculinity, many women still value masculine traits in partners, according to A National Institute of Health (NIH) study.
Masculinity, when expressed through protection, leadership, and emotional intelligence, can be highly attractive.
"Our results show that women's preferences for masculine faces are stronger under conditions where offspring survival is higher and economic conditions are more favorable."
Urszula M Marcinkowska, et al.
The study reveals a preference for men who reflect confidence, decisiveness, and the ability to handle conflict, traits associated with masculinity. Furthermore, the security and stability of a partner who can provide or help provide financial security and be emotionally present appeals to many. This preference isn't about reinforcing gender stereotypes but recognizing the multifaceted nature of human relationships where traditional roles can still play a positive part.
Conclusion: Celebrating the masculine male
This Valentine's Day, let's move beyond the toxic masculinity narrative to celebrate the positive contributions of masculine men and boys in our lives. By understanding the historical context of terms like "toxic masculinity," we can better appreciate the need for a balanced view that honors all aspects of gender identity. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and celebrating each person's unique qualities, including those traditionally seen as masculine. Here's to masculinity, love, and the richness it brings to our relationships. Happy Valentine's Day!
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